Who ever said life was easy, was lying. Life is not easy but we make the best of it.
We take what we are given and make life what we want it to be, or so I believe.
This past week has been an emotionally exhausting one for me. Life, for me, was hard. My heart is heavy with grief, sadness, and resentment. My grandfather passed away. I now have to make it what I want it to be, through my choices.
I've been struggling with how to feel, what to think, what to do with all these emotions raging inside me. I even struggled with whether or not I should make a blog post about this. After all, I'm not the only who was affected by his death. I even wondered to myself "Am I being selfish and pretentious and attention seeking by making this blog post?". Honestly, I don't know. I don't think I am. My blog, though I've been doing reviews lately, is a vehicle for me to share my thoughts about life, my life. A vehicle for me to share how I feel about things that has happened to me in my life.
I digress, I get off on tangents quite easily, so let me bring this blog post back to my point. We all have choices, I briefly touched on this in a blog post I made Letting Go. I talked about our thought process and how we deal and react to situations presented to us in life. My grandfather's death is one such instance in my life where I had a choice.
Death hurts, plain and simple. It is never easy. Everyone is affected by death in different ways. Everyone deals with death in different ways. <---- That statement right there, I need to remember that. I need to keep that at the forefront of my mind. Why? Well, because when I found out about my grandfather's death (albeit premature, he was on life support at that time) and how I found out (Facebook), I was so angry. I can't even begin to explain how angry I was. I was dumbfounded, I could not believe it and chose not too until I spoke to my mom. Slowly, I had to realize that this was how death was dealt with for that person. My way of dealing with death is different. I had to remember that statement above.
I am now faced with a choice, do I hold on to that anger or do I let it go? I decided to let it go. While I'm still angry, I'm slowly letting it go. What's done is done, there's really nothing I can do about it. So expending all that negative energy and holding on to that anger with such fierce intensity is doing no one, especially me, any good. If I chose to hold on to that anger, it will only fester inside and make my heart black with hate and resentment. I don't want that. That's not a good place to be. I must leave it all in God's hand and I will.
When his heart beat for the last time, I finally allowed myself to grieve. My heart broke, it's still broken but as the past has taught me, in time, my heart will heal. The pain of losing someone you love will always be there but the pain will lessen in time.
I have to make peace with everything so that I can move on. I have to make peace with myself so that I can move on. I made a choice, I won't let that anger control me. I have cried, will continue to cry as I let it all out. My heart, like I said, is heavy right now. The physical pain I feel right now as I type of this blog post is one that I don't want to have. I don't like it. It scares me.
I will pray for peace in my heart. Through prayer and through God, I know that in the end, everything will be okay for everyone who was affected by my grandfather's death. In God's name, I pray.