What Do I Want? Pt. 1

As life progresses, the question "What do you/I want?" is posed to us. Some of us may have that answer and know exactly what we want. Some of us, like me, still don't have the answer to that question fully.

I'd like to think that I have everything figured out but I don't. I am searching my memory banks to when I was a little girl and knew exactly what I wanted to be. I can't seem to find anything. Those memories elude me. Of course, there are the typical things that every kid wants to be: a doctor, a police officer or a fire fighter. These were prominent figures or heroes in our lives as children. But honestly, I can't even remember ever wanting to be one of those things.

Now, I'm talking right there about what I want to DO with my life not who I want to BE or what I WANT. Those are different things yet they all culminate to being who I AM and eventually getting what I WANT out of my life. If that makes any sense at all. In my mind it does.

One memory that stands out is me always playing "teacher". I studied elementary education in college but I have yet to teach. In hindsight, I should have done early childhood education. That is really where my heart lies. When I moved to this beautiful little (yet big) town, I was fortunate enough to start my career, so to speak, in daycare. I started working with school-agers, whew, what an experience. I knew that wasn't for me. Half those kids were bigger than I am. Yet, there were the kindergartners whom I fell in love with. Eventually, I was moved to work with 3 year-olds. Those were a fun bunch. I loved it!

Eventually, I was promoted to being a center director. While being a CD was quite stressful, the piece I enjoyed the most was being able to go from room to room and getting to know all the kids. I loved the infants and toddlers and twos and preschoolers. I got to know them and they got to know me. I knew that if I was having an off day all I had to do was go in a classroom and enjoy the innocence of the children. Seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter would center me and help me realize that at the end of the day, everything will be okay. Experiencing the world through their eyes is truly wonderful.

I enjoyed the relationships I built with the parents. Some of them have been long lasting. One particular family has been in my life for a while and are even Godparents to our boys. I am truly blessed and so are my boys. But anyway, I'm getting off topic as I tend to A LOT.

Working in daycare was a hard, stressful and at times downright crazy! But putting all that aside, it was one of the best times of my life, career wise. Being in charge of little lives and making sure that their safety and happiness is top priority is a huge and honorable responsibility. One that I would do again.

I know that a huge part of me wants to go back to work eventually, sooner rather than later. Kid 3 will be going to Pre-K in the coming Fall.

By then I would have to have figured out somethings. I know I will. I have to do it. I can't let excuses hold me back. I tend to do that. Let excuses of any little or big thing hold me back and I make it a reason for my not doing things. Funny how we turn invaluable excuses into reasons when really the only things holding us back is ourselves, not anyone else.

My point is, as I write this, I am realizing that I do want to work with children, at least the little ones. I think that when I start doing what I want to do, I'll eventually know who I want to BE and what I want out of my life. I'll get there, I know I will.

I should add that this is what I want to do career wise. Non-career wise there are so many other things that I want to do. But most of all I want to be truly happy. I want to make myself happy. I don't want to depend on someone else making me happy, just me. There are ways that I can accomplish that and being honest with myself is a start. Actually accomplishing things, is another step.

One goal that I have to set for myself this year is one thing that I've always wanted to do. Always... I want to go skydiving. That's right! Skydiving. I'm a big chicken and I am so fearful of getting hurt. I hate being in pain when not necessary. But for some reason skydiving has attracted me. I want to be and feel free for on brief moment in time. I will accomplish that, one way or another. I will skydive by myself if necessary (well tethered to someone else) but I will do accomplish that.