I Can't Always Get What I Want

There are so many wonderful things that I want in my life. Things that I want to accomplish. Things that I want to experience. Things that I want to have. For the most part, I can get all these things if I make it a point to get them. Determination is key.

However, every once in a while, life throws in a wrench and screws it all up. What do I do then? Do I give up? Do I hold on to that sliver of hope that I will get it? Instead of hoping, do I just continue to go after it? I'm not sure what the right answer is.

All I know, is that I just have to be. Be in the moment. I've always believed that things happen in life for a reason. Things or people or whatever are placed in our lives at the precise moment we need them. It is not up to us to figure out why and question it. At least I think so, not right at the beginning. I just have to go with the flow and continue as I am. The answer will eventually come to me.

But for now, I will just Be. I will be comforted in the fact that I am here, in the moment. I will treasure and hold on to every precious moment in my life right now. After all, memories are part of who we are.

Just Be!

Control Over My Emotions

For the past few days, I've had my emotions tugged at significantly, in a negative manner. Some were positive but most negative.

I truly do not like feeling upset and sad, especially when someone makes me feel that way. They were to the point that my chest started hurting. When that happens, I know I am really upset, angry or anxious over something.

I have begun to slowly gain control of my emotions. Meditation has helped some. I know that if I continue this practice of meditating, soon I will gain full control over them.

I write this because, time after time, I have given a dear and wonderful friend of mine my thoughts on emotions. I would always tell her: Do not allow that person to control your emotions and dictate how you should feel. When you do that, you give that person power over you.

I sincerely believe that. So WHY did I allow my emotions to be controlled by someone else. Why? I wonder if it's because I just don't feel like putting up the fight to resist and just give in. I hate conflict, I really do. I deal with it alright but certainly not in a healthy way for my emotional growth.

I need to know, understand and certainly realize that when I find myself in a position of conflict, I have to be in control of my emotions. I have to stand my ground, be confident in myself and my thoughts and NOT allow anyone to control my emotions and have power over me.

This will take a process of self discovery and being confident on myself. I know I can do this. Once again, this is another challenge for me in my journey to subtle changes but still being me.

Making and -Breaking- Prioritizing Habits

I realized this morning (as I was trying to meditate) that in order for me to stick with something, I needed to create new habits and prioritizing my existing ones. I have a feeling that I knew this all along I just didn't want to acknowledge it because it would mean that I would have to actually work hard at it.

You often read in self help books or other places how it takes 21 days to create and stick with new habits. I wish I could say this really works but I can't. I've never stick with anything new long enough for me to realize it.

Actually, I may have and never realized it because I didn't put much effort into it. For example, I love sitting around and being lazy. I never was like that. Slowly but surely it was a habit that I created and stuck with for 21 days and beyond. Yay!!!! Why do I say yay? Well not because of what the habit is but because I CAN create and stick with new habits. See, take what could be a negative and turn into a positive.

Anyway, part of the point of this blog post was because this morning I was too lazy to meditate. Seriously? That's bad right there. To lazy to meditate where all it takes is just sitting down and clearing your mind? Wow.... I need to do some reflections of my habits and how they will and will not affect or benefit me, now and in the future.

I finally decided to meditate quickly. It seems like my body was asking for it but my mind was trying to fight it. The challenge in meditating is still clearing my mind. My thoughts do drift to anything and everything, often to what I could blog about. So I decided to blog about making and -breaking- prioritizing habits.

I know I can do it. I just need to find habits worth making and prioritizing my already existing habits. I don't want to to do away with the ones I already have. I just need to find the right time to do them. I know that if I try and do away completely with a habit, I will fail.

Habit making and -breaking- prioritizing is, for me, a mind over matter kind of thing. I want to do it. I just need to do it.

Meditation For Me? Hmmmmm

Hmmm... Meditation, will it work for me? Will I be able to stick with it?

The answers to these question have yet to be seen but, you know what, I want to give it a shot. Why not? It's not like meditating will do my body any harm. On the contrary, from an article that I read recently on wellnessnaturalgirl.com, it states that meditation can actually lead to a healthier life. A more calmer one. And a state of mindfulness. Honestly, these are some things that I would like to achieve as well. 

So, I've been stewing over it for the past week. I know I wanted to do try it out, I just needed to get myself to actually do it! I have a problem where when I want to do something I think about it and have this grand plan in my head. In my mind, I have accomplished it and done very well at it BUT I can't seem to put my thoughts to action. I always bring up some sort of reason that really is just an excuse to not get it done. The reason, rather excuse, I wasn't getting my butt in gear to meditate is that I wanted to sleep in. I know meditating can be done at any time of the day but for me, with 3 boys, mornings are best for me. It is my peace time, my alone time. I usually get up a 1/2 hour earlier than the boys and enjoy a cup of coffee and read something. Plus, I believe that if you start your day on a positive note the rest of your day will follow suit.

Well, once the idea stewed in my head, I decided to set a start date. I'm a linear type of person. I need to have start dates and see things straight. I can't be jumbled up. My start date was/is Sunday, today. 

I got up around 7am and went downstairs. I found some meditation music on Pandora, sat in the pose recommended and started meditating. This was interesting. The article said to focus on your breathing and your body just releasing and your mind being cleared. It said to choose my Mantra, a word that I can repeat over and over and over and over and over and over.. well, you get the picture. Or to just focus on being in the moment. 

Everything worked well, except for clearing my mind. I couldn't decide on a Mantra (another thing for me to stew over). I was trying out different words and looking for them in my head. That defeated the purpose of clearing my mind. So I decided to focus on the moment. Well, that didn't work well either. As much as I tried clearing my mind, thoughts drifted to breakfast for the boys. I chastised myself and "cleared" my mind. Then my thoughts drifted to blogging about meditating, LOL. I had half the mind to pick up my N7 and start writing my thoughts down. Once again, I scolded myself. Then my thoughts drifted to how will meditating benefit me and sex. Yes, sex. Well, I didn't chastise myself this time, I just smiled at the thought of sex and filed it away for later use.

After focusing on the moment didn't work so well, I decided to focus on the music. That worked out well until the call of birds drifted in the with the music. That sounded really close to children screaming and shouting in the distance. Since I'd already switched to different focusing techniques I decided to just stick with something, anything. At this point, I needed to if I wanted to achieve some sort of success with meditating.  

I ended up meditating for about 15 minutes. The article said you only need about 10 minutes. So I felt like a champion knowing that I went beyond the recommended time. I felt like I was on top of the world.... briefly. 

I then decided to take it a step further and stretch. Whew... what an experience. I always thought I was limber but boy was I lying to myself. I hurt! My muscles were yelling at me asking what the hell I was doing! However, I pushed on and soothed them. I felt great after stretching so my muscles will be thankful, eventually. 

Now, as I write this, I do feel calmer. My morning was less stressful than other mornings. The boys were amazing. It was a peaceful morning. I feel invigorated and have energy and the want to do things. I know I'm on the right path with meditation since the article said that if I feel those things after meditating, I am doing it right. 

Here's to meditating and adding it to my routine.

Photo/Image By:
http://www.morguefile.com/creative/earl53

A Resolution For Me?

For most my life, I never put much stock into making a New Year's resolution or a list of them. I always looked at New Year's resolutions as a way for people to delude themselves into thinking that things are going to change. After all, I felt that resolutions were a list of unattainable goals or unrealistic expectations that people would create just to make themselves feel better about their life.

For some reason, this year, my thought process on resolutions have changed. Though, I won't call it a resolution(s). I don't want to hold myself prisoner to that word.

I have, in my mind, a direction where I want to go with my life. What I want to do. Who I want to be.

I want to end 2013 feeling great about things that I've accomplished. Whether they are things where I've helped others or helped myself. I want to known of I've made a contribution to the world, no matter how big or small.

I have this strong desire within myself to help others and do more. I'm not sure of it's the realization that I can and should do more OR it's the influence of people I know who have selfless and giving souls. Whatever it is that is fueling this desire within me, I pray that spark remains of ignited and that it one day burns bright!

Will I accomplish this? Abso-FREAKING-lutely!! Why? Because in my mind, I know that I can do this. I will it to be so. I just have to continue trying to think positive in all that I do.

I know it will be hard, but by the grace of God, support and encouraging words of great friends and family, it will be done.

So here's to a New Year! 2013 will be great for me and all those I love.

AFTERTHOUGHT: After I wrote this out on my handy dandy Nexus 7 (I love how I could just pull up the blogger app and write my thoughts down as I had them in my head.), I had to have a conversation with my oldest about being considerate and thoughtful of others. Funny, how life has a way of "opening" your eyes and reaffirming you that you are indeed going in the right direction. Or so that is how I feel. 

How else can I teach my children about being kind, respectful, thoughtful, considerate and compassionate towards others if I myself don't lead by example. I can say and say and say but if I don't put thought to action, I will not have done my job as a mother and taught my children to hold these characteristics. I need to show them by displaying these characteristics daily. 

I'm not saying that my children don't hold these characteristics because they do but I need to make sure that they continue to have them as they get older. Too often, we come across teenagers or young adults who have an entitlement attitude. They feel they are entitled to have and do things because, well, just because. I don't want my boys to be this way. I want them to know that it is okay and important to be selfless and giving towards others. Not be taken advantage of but to know that your heart needs to be big and that you do things for others without expecting nothing in return. 

Any thoughts welcomed!

What Do I Want Pt. 2 - Get Fit

I want... I want... I want..... What the heck do I want?! This will be an ever growing and ever changing process.

Earlier in the week I blogged about what I want to do with my career. I talked about working in child care and how much I enjoyed doing that. Working with kids is a very satisfying job. Children really do make you feel better because they are so innocent in all that they do. We are there to guide them and teach them and to love them. Really, it is just that simple.

But now, I want to talk about other things that I want in my life. Things that I want to do, non-career wise.
I did say that I want to sky dive. I do and I will. Somehow, someway I will make it happen this year. Yikes!

Something that I want to do is feel better about my body, not necessarily how I look but how I feel health wise. I think that I am pretty healthy, for the most part. I want to keep it that way. I am getting older and I need to start taking care of myself. I want to get in shape. I want to do things without getting too tired quickly. Earlier this year, I was working out and attempting running. I think I did pretty well with all that considering that I was a beginner. When I say beginner, I mean beginner. My boys get more exercise than I do. I even completed an obstacle course event called Warrior Dash. That I have to say is my biggest accomplishment this year. I felt so good about myself knowing that I actually completed such thing. I mean I had to climb stuff, wade in mud, run up hill and get this, I had to slide down a huge water slide. I am scared of those things as I had a traumatic childhood experience on one of those.

But I digress, I want to get in better shape. It all starts with a spark in your mind. All I need to do is fuel that spark and make it burn brighter! How do I do this? Well, I need to put my thoughts to action. Simple. I think of so many things to do but never get around to doing them. Then I beat myself up for passing up great opportunities. But not anymore. By putting down my thoughts to paper and letting the world see it, I am being held accountable and need to actually follow through. Does that make sense?

One of things that sparked this idea was an article I read earlier this week about how to clear your mind and get more creative. The article talked about taking hikes and letting the beauty of nature inspire you. I love nature. I grew up on an island where I was surrounded by it. There was beauty every where. I now live in an area where I know there are places that I can take hikes with my family. Just walking nothing intense. I'm not there yet but hopefully, I'll get there. I know that when you are out there doing something where all you have to do is just think of the task at hand, your mind clears and your thoughts take a life of their own.

So, starting this coming year, I will do things to get myself in shape physically and mentally and certainly emotionally. I need it. I can tell that I am craving for something new and something different in my life. I need to add richness to it in whatever form I can find that is positive.

If anyone who reads this has any suggestions, please let me know. I welcome any advice and thoughts. After all, working together, we accomplish great things. Not only for ourselves but for others too.

What Do I Want? Pt. 1

As life progresses, the question "What do you/I want?" is posed to us. Some of us may have that answer and know exactly what we want. Some of us, like me, still don't have the answer to that question fully.

I'd like to think that I have everything figured out but I don't. I am searching my memory banks to when I was a little girl and knew exactly what I wanted to be. I can't seem to find anything. Those memories elude me. Of course, there are the typical things that every kid wants to be: a doctor, a police officer or a fire fighter. These were prominent figures or heroes in our lives as children. But honestly, I can't even remember ever wanting to be one of those things.

Now, I'm talking right there about what I want to DO with my life not who I want to BE or what I WANT. Those are different things yet they all culminate to being who I AM and eventually getting what I WANT out of my life. If that makes any sense at all. In my mind it does.

One memory that stands out is me always playing "teacher". I studied elementary education in college but I have yet to teach. In hindsight, I should have done early childhood education. That is really where my heart lies. When I moved to this beautiful little (yet big) town, I was fortunate enough to start my career, so to speak, in daycare. I started working with school-agers, whew, what an experience. I knew that wasn't for me. Half those kids were bigger than I am. Yet, there were the kindergartners whom I fell in love with. Eventually, I was moved to work with 3 year-olds. Those were a fun bunch. I loved it!

Eventually, I was promoted to being a center director. While being a CD was quite stressful, the piece I enjoyed the most was being able to go from room to room and getting to know all the kids. I loved the infants and toddlers and twos and preschoolers. I got to know them and they got to know me. I knew that if I was having an off day all I had to do was go in a classroom and enjoy the innocence of the children. Seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter would center me and help me realize that at the end of the day, everything will be okay. Experiencing the world through their eyes is truly wonderful.

I enjoyed the relationships I built with the parents. Some of them have been long lasting. One particular family has been in my life for a while and are even Godparents to our boys. I am truly blessed and so are my boys. But anyway, I'm getting off topic as I tend to A LOT.

Working in daycare was a hard, stressful and at times downright crazy! But putting all that aside, it was one of the best times of my life, career wise. Being in charge of little lives and making sure that their safety and happiness is top priority is a huge and honorable responsibility. One that I would do again.

I know that a huge part of me wants to go back to work eventually, sooner rather than later. Kid 3 will be going to Pre-K in the coming Fall.

By then I would have to have figured out somethings. I know I will. I have to do it. I can't let excuses hold me back. I tend to do that. Let excuses of any little or big thing hold me back and I make it a reason for my not doing things. Funny how we turn invaluable excuses into reasons when really the only things holding us back is ourselves, not anyone else.

My point is, as I write this, I am realizing that I do want to work with children, at least the little ones. I think that when I start doing what I want to do, I'll eventually know who I want to BE and what I want out of my life. I'll get there, I know I will.

I should add that this is what I want to do career wise. Non-career wise there are so many other things that I want to do. But most of all I want to be truly happy. I want to make myself happy. I don't want to depend on someone else making me happy, just me. There are ways that I can accomplish that and being honest with myself is a start. Actually accomplishing things, is another step.

One goal that I have to set for myself this year is one thing that I've always wanted to do. Always... I want to go skydiving. That's right! Skydiving. I'm a big chicken and I am so fearful of getting hurt. I hate being in pain when not necessary. But for some reason skydiving has attracted me. I want to be and feel free for on brief moment in time. I will accomplish that, one way or another. I will skydive by myself if necessary (well tethered to someone else) but I will do accomplish that.