What Do I Want Pt. 2 - Get Fit

I want... I want... I want..... What the heck do I want?! This will be an ever growing and ever changing process.

Earlier in the week I blogged about what I want to do with my career. I talked about working in child care and how much I enjoyed doing that. Working with kids is a very satisfying job. Children really do make you feel better because they are so innocent in all that they do. We are there to guide them and teach them and to love them. Really, it is just that simple.

But now, I want to talk about other things that I want in my life. Things that I want to do, non-career wise.
I did say that I want to sky dive. I do and I will. Somehow, someway I will make it happen this year. Yikes!

Something that I want to do is feel better about my body, not necessarily how I look but how I feel health wise. I think that I am pretty healthy, for the most part. I want to keep it that way. I am getting older and I need to start taking care of myself. I want to get in shape. I want to do things without getting too tired quickly. Earlier this year, I was working out and attempting running. I think I did pretty well with all that considering that I was a beginner. When I say beginner, I mean beginner. My boys get more exercise than I do. I even completed an obstacle course event called Warrior Dash. That I have to say is my biggest accomplishment this year. I felt so good about myself knowing that I actually completed such thing. I mean I had to climb stuff, wade in mud, run up hill and get this, I had to slide down a huge water slide. I am scared of those things as I had a traumatic childhood experience on one of those.

But I digress, I want to get in better shape. It all starts with a spark in your mind. All I need to do is fuel that spark and make it burn brighter! How do I do this? Well, I need to put my thoughts to action. Simple. I think of so many things to do but never get around to doing them. Then I beat myself up for passing up great opportunities. But not anymore. By putting down my thoughts to paper and letting the world see it, I am being held accountable and need to actually follow through. Does that make sense?

One of things that sparked this idea was an article I read earlier this week about how to clear your mind and get more creative. The article talked about taking hikes and letting the beauty of nature inspire you. I love nature. I grew up on an island where I was surrounded by it. There was beauty every where. I now live in an area where I know there are places that I can take hikes with my family. Just walking nothing intense. I'm not there yet but hopefully, I'll get there. I know that when you are out there doing something where all you have to do is just think of the task at hand, your mind clears and your thoughts take a life of their own.

So, starting this coming year, I will do things to get myself in shape physically and mentally and certainly emotionally. I need it. I can tell that I am craving for something new and something different in my life. I need to add richness to it in whatever form I can find that is positive.

If anyone who reads this has any suggestions, please let me know. I welcome any advice and thoughts. After all, working together, we accomplish great things. Not only for ourselves but for others too.

What Do I Want? Pt. 1

As life progresses, the question "What do you/I want?" is posed to us. Some of us may have that answer and know exactly what we want. Some of us, like me, still don't have the answer to that question fully.

I'd like to think that I have everything figured out but I don't. I am searching my memory banks to when I was a little girl and knew exactly what I wanted to be. I can't seem to find anything. Those memories elude me. Of course, there are the typical things that every kid wants to be: a doctor, a police officer or a fire fighter. These were prominent figures or heroes in our lives as children. But honestly, I can't even remember ever wanting to be one of those things.

Now, I'm talking right there about what I want to DO with my life not who I want to BE or what I WANT. Those are different things yet they all culminate to being who I AM and eventually getting what I WANT out of my life. If that makes any sense at all. In my mind it does.

One memory that stands out is me always playing "teacher". I studied elementary education in college but I have yet to teach. In hindsight, I should have done early childhood education. That is really where my heart lies. When I moved to this beautiful little (yet big) town, I was fortunate enough to start my career, so to speak, in daycare. I started working with school-agers, whew, what an experience. I knew that wasn't for me. Half those kids were bigger than I am. Yet, there were the kindergartners whom I fell in love with. Eventually, I was moved to work with 3 year-olds. Those were a fun bunch. I loved it!

Eventually, I was promoted to being a center director. While being a CD was quite stressful, the piece I enjoyed the most was being able to go from room to room and getting to know all the kids. I loved the infants and toddlers and twos and preschoolers. I got to know them and they got to know me. I knew that if I was having an off day all I had to do was go in a classroom and enjoy the innocence of the children. Seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter would center me and help me realize that at the end of the day, everything will be okay. Experiencing the world through their eyes is truly wonderful.

I enjoyed the relationships I built with the parents. Some of them have been long lasting. One particular family has been in my life for a while and are even Godparents to our boys. I am truly blessed and so are my boys. But anyway, I'm getting off topic as I tend to A LOT.

Working in daycare was a hard, stressful and at times downright crazy! But putting all that aside, it was one of the best times of my life, career wise. Being in charge of little lives and making sure that their safety and happiness is top priority is a huge and honorable responsibility. One that I would do again.

I know that a huge part of me wants to go back to work eventually, sooner rather than later. Kid 3 will be going to Pre-K in the coming Fall.

By then I would have to have figured out somethings. I know I will. I have to do it. I can't let excuses hold me back. I tend to do that. Let excuses of any little or big thing hold me back and I make it a reason for my not doing things. Funny how we turn invaluable excuses into reasons when really the only things holding us back is ourselves, not anyone else.

My point is, as I write this, I am realizing that I do want to work with children, at least the little ones. I think that when I start doing what I want to do, I'll eventually know who I want to BE and what I want out of my life. I'll get there, I know I will.

I should add that this is what I want to do career wise. Non-career wise there are so many other things that I want to do. But most of all I want to be truly happy. I want to make myself happy. I don't want to depend on someone else making me happy, just me. There are ways that I can accomplish that and being honest with myself is a start. Actually accomplishing things, is another step.

One goal that I have to set for myself this year is one thing that I've always wanted to do. Always... I want to go skydiving. That's right! Skydiving. I'm a big chicken and I am so fearful of getting hurt. I hate being in pain when not necessary. But for some reason skydiving has attracted me. I want to be and feel free for on brief moment in time. I will accomplish that, one way or another. I will skydive by myself if necessary (well tethered to someone else) but I will do accomplish that.

I Love You, Mami

For the life of me, I can't remember when my oldest two first said "I love you" to me. I never wrote it down anywhere on any calendar. I do know, however, that they were younger than 3 years old. That much I know because they were great talkers by the time they were 3 years old each.

Kid 3, however, is a bit different in the talking area. He talks but is no where near what my oldest two were at 3 years old. That's okay. He's getting there.

Lately, he's been repeating "I Love You" on the phone to his grandma but never to me or to the hubster, that I know of. Well, guess what?! The kid said it to me! Not directly but as I finished getting the boys in bed, I was in the hallway and always say a last "I love you" to the boys. They all said it, including Kid 3! He said "I Love You, Mami"! Awwwww...... my heart swelled with joy.

It's funny cause earlier today, I was thinking about him saying that, rather, not saying it. I made it a point to not tell him "say I love you". I wanted him to say it to me out of his own will.

Oh, I know he loves me. He shows it to me daily. As a matter of fact, what triggered that previous thought today was what he was doing. I decided to "take a nap" with him. Well, as much of a nap a mom can take with her 3 year old, right. He climbed up in bed with me and proceeded to remove his dad's blanket and pillow off the bed. He then properly laid his head on my pillow (not a big one, btw) and started covering himself with my blanket. He also, didn't want me to face the other way when I laid down. I needed to be facing him. This, I know, is one of the many ways he shows me he loves me. I am not a preference over Dad, though I'd like to think so. He just enjoys being with me and I with him.

These past few days of not being on Facebook and trying to limit myself from the internet has been a joy for Kid 3 and I. We've been doing more things together. I've enjoyed that. These are the moments that I need to cherish with him. He is still such a baby (my fault) but is yet growing into his own and becoming more independent.

Now, thanks to this blog, I will have a record of when Kid 3 said "I love you, Mami" to me for the first time.

Sitting atop dino bones at the park.

Hmmm..... so pensive. 

Extra Loving Please

On this day give your children extra loving. Give in to their indulgences for just one day. Give them an extra cookie. Give them extra time to watch TV or to play. Let them stay up late. Give them an extra hug tonight. Read an extra book. Let them sleep in your bed with you. Fix their favorite meal for dinner. Say yes to their "one more please". Let them be as innocent and wonderful as they truly are, for just one day. It won't spoil them, it won't.

The horrendous and unimaginable tragedy that has occurred today at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown,CT strikes a deep chord within me. My heart is shattered and weeping for all the lives lost and for all who has suffered today. These children were innocent, beautiful and special in their own way. This is a tragedy we should all suffer. The adults who lost their lives were unique and special in that they took care of these children everyday. 

I kept my boys home today from school. I got up late and decided to not fuss and fight at them while trying to rush them all because I got up late. So, I let them stay home. Boy, you would think that it was Christmas morning. Reading the news today, I'm glad I kept them home. We had pancakes for lunch, their favorite and we sat and watched a movie together. They are now getting ready to go outside for "recess" as Kid 2 calls it. 

When you have a strong urge to keep your kids home with you, do it. You never know when it will be your last moment with them. Nothing else in life matters. Work will always be there. Bills will always be there. The stores will always be there. All these materialistic things will always be there. But life... life won't always be there. Treasure your children dearly. Keep them innocent. Keep them young. 

My sincerest, deepest and most humble thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who has suffered today and will continue to suffer. May they find peace and solace in the days to come. 

Life, A Balancing Act?

Whew... what an evening.

Today was an interesting day. I had my highs and my lows. It started out like any other normal day for me. Get up, drink my coffee, get kids up and get them ready for school. Pretty much same old, same old.

I did get out of the house for a bit with a great friend. We went yarn shopping. Lots of fun. I know some may think how can yarn shopping be fun but when you are into crocheting, it can be. The only frustrating part of my shopping excursion was Kid 3. Whew, that kid. He is really coming into his own. He is very independent and very strong willed. I was having one of those "wait until we get home" moments. Well, several of those actually. As soon as we got home, he ate and went to take a nap. Not for him but for me. I do believe nap time was inventing to maintain the sanity of the parent. And boy do I need my sanity.

Talking 'bout sanity. Unfortunately, that nap didn't help. He got up as Kid 1 and Kid 2 got home from school. I could already feel the frustration in me building up. The tension. It was about to snap. I had to reign that frustration in and hold it real tight! I felt like one minute things were okay, not fine, just okay and the next things weren't. My mood reminded me of that cartoon that came on years ago Katie Ka-Boom where Katie would be fine one minute and something would trigger her to blow off the next minute. Though, I didn't blow off

I had the boys have their snack and go relax before doing homework. But somewhere along the evening, the frustration was fraying, piece by piece. The boys weren't listening. And the house, well, it was a mess. Kid 3 was being Kid 3. Kid 1 and Kid 2 were fussing about homework and what to read and not to read and "I don't want to do this or that". The typical homework whining routine. It is getting old. Way old. I'm trying to bargain or rather reason with them. I'm trying to tell them "I give you something, you give me something in return". I'm not sure that is working but we'll get there.

I know that I need to find that "balance" that as adults and parents, we all need to find. I tend to find myself in situations where I'm on either side of the spectrum, never in the middle. I believe that the main cause of my frustration is the organization of my house. My physical house. I tend to get so caught up in things that I let other things slide. I have loads of laundry to fold and still wash. Rooms to clean. (Though the boys are in charge of their room and that frustrates the HECK out of me. I want to do it so badly but I won't and refuse to because they need to learn responsibility.) And just trivial things to do around the house. However, I am currently in crochet mode and reading mode. However, reading will always remain a constant in my life. Without reading, my life is dull. I need to read. Plain and simple. With crocheting being a focus in my life right now, I've let the organization of my house fall apart. I saw chaos around me and my brain was on overload. I was beginning to get anxious, jittery and literally felt like screaming.

Once I got the boys in bed, I took a minute and breathed. Just breathed. I looked around and knew what I needed to do. Tackle the never ending drama in my life. The Kitchen. I tell ya, walking in that kitchen, I had to roll my sleeves up, put on my fighting face and get to work. It really wasn't that bad, I just don't want to do it. I loathe cleaning the kitchen. I mean hate it with a passion so intense that it could light a freaking fire. But, I gotta do it. It is one of those things that will NEVER EVER in my lifetime go away.

All the while I was cleaning the kitchen, I was thinking. Funny how such a meaningless task can help clear your mind. I thought about the boys and my life. I thought about why oh why do I feel this way at times. I thought about my blog and "oooh what am I gonna say". But you know what? When I finished cleaning the kitchen, I felt a load lift off my shoulders. I literally felt lighter. Yes, there is still crap that needs to be done in the house but I don't feel as frustrated as I did before. Imagine that.

I know I will need to figure out how to get things done without getting so frustrated and to make my life easier. You would think that at 3?, I would already have it figured out. I don't. I'll get there someday and if I don't, it's not the end of the world.

BTW, the garbage disposal sensed my frustration and decided to go on strike or finally die. Not sure which but that's a task for another day.

...Deleted

Well, I cut the cord. I did. I deleted my Facbook account.

Since I'd made the decision to deactivate a part of me knew I wasn't going back. I was just lying to myself. I know I needed to do it. Maybe it was premature on my part and I didn't give myself the opportunity to acclimate myself to not logging in daily to Facebook. But...

Why tease myself in having my Facebook account  "on reserve" just in case I want to go back? I knew that if I went back, I would fall back into the same old habits that I'd created when I had my account open and undo everything I would have done in my time away. So I might as well just cut the cord and don't bother anymore.

I do have to say that the biggest thing I will miss from Facebook, is the group I was in with several wonderful women. One of those women has truly become a best friend of mine. I know that I will still talk to her via Google+, so all is not lost there but I will sorely miss the other ladies.

I feel a sense of peace within myself since I hit the delete button. I will now have time on my hands. What is that saying about idle hands? :-) I know that I will get things done. My mind will be clearer. It may sound "weak" of me in needing to get rid of Facebook to accomplish things in my life. But I don't think so. I takes a strong person to recognize what her faults and weaknesses are. It takes an even stronger person to do something about it.

Deleting my Facebook account is one step in the right direction for me.

Deactivated....For Now

Today I made a decision. I woke up with this strong urge to just do it. I've been toying with the idea for a very long time but could never bring myself to actually going through with it.

I deactivated my Facebook account. Gasp! What?! Yep, I did it. Granted, it is not a deletion and my account is still there, just in "sleep" mode. Just slumbering away waiting for me to get the itch to activate it again.

Why did I do it? I needed the break. Plain and simple. I found myself so deeply connected to Facebook that I became attached to it. Yes, it is a great medium to keep in touch with friends and family. So much so that in fact, I got a call from my best friend when I sent her a private message asking me why and telling me that Facebook was one of the greatest ways for her and I to keep in touch. It makes me sad but I know that we can still talk through other forms but Facebook really was the easiest. It is a great way to meet new and interesting people. I have made some amazing friends on Facebook with wonderful ladies I have never even seen in my life but have come to know them so well. I met these ladies through our love of reading. I will miss them and our relationship greatly. It is an awesome way to get great deals and freebies on products.  I will go back eventually. I just need the break.

Have I missed it? Heck yeah, I have. But I have been strong in not going back and simply putting in my email and password. It is that simple to reactivate. However, right now, I won't.

This break will allow me the opportunity to refocus on what's important; on what I want to do with myself. I will get there. I know I will. It is just a matter of time and determination.